Blondes Have Even More Fun
(Too many jokes to fit on one page!)
Home (you know...where all your stuff is!)
That's life
Q: How do blonde brain cells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you change a blonde's mind?
A1: Blow in her ear.
A2: Buy her another beer.
Q: HOW DO YOU KEEP A BLONDE BUSY ALL DAY?
A: Put her in a round room and tell her to sit in the corner.
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.
Q: What will she ask you?
A: 'Is it mine?'
Q: How does a blonde kill a fish?
A: She drowns it.
Q: A blond going to London on a plane, how can you steal her
window seat?
A: Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.
Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?
Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?
A: Run like Hell....she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.
Q: What do you call a blonde golfer with an iq of 125?
A: a foursome.
Q: What do you give the blonde who has everything?
A: Penicillin.
Q: What do you call a blond mother-in-law?
A: An air bag.
Q: Why do Blondes wear earmuffs?
A: To avoid the draft.
Q: What's the mating call of the blonde?
A: 'I'm *sooo* drunk!'
Q: What is the mating call of the ugly blonde?
A: (Screaming) 'I said: I'm drunk!'
Q: What's the mating call of the brunette?
A1: All the blondes have gone home!
A2: Has that blonde gone yet?
Q: How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A: Tell her a joke on Wednesday.
Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly
over her ears?
A: Trying to hold on to a thought.
Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for
two hours?
A: Because it said 'concentrate'.
Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for 3 1/2 days?
A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound, and she weighed125.
Q: Why did the blonde put her finger over the nail when she
was hammering?
A: The noise gave her a headache.
Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?
A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.
Q: Why don't blondes have elevator jobs?
A: They don't know the route.
Q: Why do blondes work seven days a week?
A: So you don't have to retrain them on Monday.
Q: What is the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?
A: Elvis has been sighted.
Q: What's the difference between a blonde and a shopping
cart?
A: The shopping cart has a mind of its own.
Q: How does a blonde commit suicide?
A: She gathers her clothes into a pile and jumps off.
Q: How do you plant dope?
A: Bury a blonde.
Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?
A: Wave to her.
Q: How does a blonde get pregnant?
A: And I thought blondes were dumb!
Q: How does a blonde high-5?
A: She smacks herself in the forehead.
Q: How do you describe a blonde, surrounded by drooling
idiots?
A: Flattered.
Q: What do you call a blonde with ESP and PMS?
A: A know-it-all bitch.
Q: What is every blonde's ambition in life?
A: To be like Vanna White and learn the alphabet.
Q: What are the worst six years in a blonde's life?
A: Third Grade.
Q: What did the blonde think of the new computer?
A: She didn't like it because she couldn't get MTV.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the
Toronto Maple
Leafs?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How many blondes does it take to play Hide and Seek?
A: One.
Q: Why couldn't the blonde write the number ELEVEN ?
A: She didn't know which ONE came first...
Q: What do you call a blonde with 90% of her intelligence
gone?
A: Divorced.
Q: How many blondes does it take to make a circuit?
A: Two, One to stand in the bathtub, and another to pass her the blow dryer!
Q: How did the blonde try to kill the bird?
A: She threw it off a cliff.
Q: How did the blonde break her leg raking leaves?
A: She fell out of the tree.
Q: How did the blonde die drinking milk?
A: The cow fell on her.
Q: How did the blonde burn her nose?
A: Bobbing for french fries.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde writes mysteries?
A: She has a checkbook.
Q: How can you tell when a FAX had been sent from a blonde?
A: There is a stamp on it.
Q: How can you tell if a blonde is a good cook?
A: She gets the pop tarts out of the toaster in one piece.
Q: What's the difference between a pit bull and a blonde
with PMS?
A: Lipstick.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A: It takes too long to retrain them.
Q: Why does a blonde only change her baby's diapers every
month?
A: Because it says right on it 'good for up to 20 pounds.'
Q: Why do blondes have see-through lunch box lids?
A1: So they know if it is morning or afternoon.
A2: So that when they're on the train they can tell if they're going to work
or coming home.
Q: Why do blondes like lightning?
A: They think someone is taking their picture.
Q: Why do blondes have little holes all over their faces?
A: From eating with forks.
Q: Why do blondes drive BMWs?
A: Because they can spell it.
Q: What does the postcard from a blond's vacation say?
A: Having a wonderful time. Where am I?
Q: Why do blondes drive VW's ?
A: Because they can't spell PORSCHE.
Q: Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A: To cover up the valve stem.
Q: Why do Blondes have TGIF on their shoes?
A: Toes go in first.
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that's where you're supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why don't blondes double recipes?
A: The oven doesn't go to 700 degrees.
Q: Why don't blondes make good pharmacists?
A: They can't get the bottle into the typewriter.
Q: Why did the blonde keep ice cubes in the freezer?
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
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A State Trooper pulls a car over on a
lonely back road and approaches the blonde lady driver. "Ma'am, is there a reason that
you're weaving all over the road"?
The woman replied, "Oh officer, thank goodness you're here!!
I almost had an accident! I looked up and there was a tree right in front
of
me. I swerved to the left and there was another tree in front of me.
I swerved
to the right and there was another tree in front of me!"
Reaching through the side window to the rear view mirror, the
officer
replied, "Ma'am ... that's your air freshener."
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A business man got on an elevator in a building.
When he entered the elevator, there was a blonde already inside and she
greeted him by saying "T-G-I-F"
He smiled at her and replied "S-H-I-T"
She looked at him, puzzled, and said "T-G-I-F" again.
He acknowledged her remark again by answering "S-H-I-T".
The blond was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and
said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F" another time.
The man smiled back to her and once again replied with a quizzical expression,
"S-H-I-T".
The blond finally decided to explain things, and this time she said,
"T-G-I-F, T-hank G-oodness I-ts F-riday; get it?"
The man answered, "S-orry H-oney, I-t's T-hursday".
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A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender,
"Wanna hear a blonde joke?" In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell
that joke, you should know something. Our bartender is blond and the bouncer is
blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200-pound black belt veteran of the Special Forces. The
guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225 and he's a rugby player. The
fella to your right is 6'5", pushing 300 pounds and he's a wrestler. Each
one of us is blond. Think about it, mister. You still wanna tell that
joke?"
The blind guy thinks for a moment and replies, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have
to explain it five times."
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A man in was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it then slammed it shut, stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went. As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" to which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL'"
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Eleven people were clinging precariously to a wildly
swinging rope suspended from a crumbling outcropping on Mount Everest. Ten were
blonde, one was a brunette. As a group they decided that one of the party should
let go. If that didn't happen the rope would break and everyone would perish.
For an agonizing few moments no one volunteered. Finally the brunette gave a
truly touching speech saying she would sacrifice herself to save the lives of
the others.
The blondes applauded.
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Three blonde men were stranded on one side of a wide
river, and didn't know how to get across. The first man prayed to God to
make him smart enough to figure out how
to cross the river, so God turned him into a brown-haired man and he swam
across. The second man prayed to God to make him even smarter, so God turned him
into a dark-haired man and he built a boat and rowed across. Then the third man
prayed to God to make him the smartest of all, so God turned him into a woman
and he walked across the bridge..
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The Blonde Nun
One night a blond nun was praying in her room when God appeared before
her.
"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full
of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always
for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend you, but to grant you anything you wish," said God.
"Dear Heavenly Father, I am perfectly happy. I am a bride of
Christ. I am doing what I love. I lack for nothing material since
the Church supports me. I am content in all ways," said the nun.
"There must be something you would have of me," said God.
"Well, there is one thing," she said.
"Just name it," said God.
"It's those blonde jokes. They are so demeaning to blondes
everywhere, not just to me. I would like for blond jokes to
stop."
"Consider it done," said God. Blonde jokes shall be stricken
from the minds of humans everywhere. But surely there is something that I
could do just for you."
"There is one thing. But it's really small, and not worth your
time," said the nun.
"Name it. Please," said God.
"It's the M&M's," said the nun. "They're so hard to
peel."
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Three women are about to be executed. One's a brunette,
one's a redhead
and one's a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward and the executioner asks if she
has any last requests. She says no. The executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim!--" Suddenly, the brunette yells, "EARTHQUAKE!" Everyone is
startled
and looks around. She escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward and the executioner asks if she has
any last requests. She says no. The executioner shouts, "Ready!
Aim!--"
Suddenly, the redhead yells, "TORNADO!" Everyone is startled and looks
around. She escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward
and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no. The
executioner shouts, "Ready! Aim!--"
And the blonde yells, "FIRE!"
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A blonde got a job with the Public Works Department. She
was to paint lines down the center of a rural road. The supervisor told her that she was on
probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed. The blonde agreed to the conditions and starts right
away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found the blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!!
"Great," he told her, "I think you're really going to work
out."
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the blonde only accomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, "Well she's still at the
average and I don't want to discourage her, so I'll just keep quiet."
The third day however the blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, "I
need to talk to her before this gets any worse."
The boss pulled the new employee in and says, "You were doing so great. The
first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury, equipment failure? What's
keeping you from meeting the 2 mile minimum?"
The blonde replied, "Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away
from the bucket."
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Two blondes were walking down the road and the first
blonde said, "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and goes, "Where?"
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A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears.
She answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of
picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my
ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But, what
happened to your other ear?"
"The SOB called back."
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This executive was interviewing a nervous young blonde women for a position in
his company. He wanted to find out something about her personality so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with someone, living or dead, who would
it be?"
The blonde quickly responded, "The living one."
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One day a blonde went to a seafood restaurant and saw the tank where they kept
the lobsters. She took pity on these creatures and hid them in her purse.
Later she went into the woods and set the poor animals free.
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"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on
the street corner.
"Sure....it's three fifteen," he replied with a smile.
"Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know,
it's the weirdest thing ... I've been asking that question all day long, and
each time I get a different answer."
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A blonde's house is on fire. She runs outside and yells, "Help me! My house
is on fire! What do I do?!"
Someone else yells, "Call 911!"
The blonde yells back, "What's the number?!"
This page last modified April 1, 2000
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