Blondes Have More Fun

A young blonde woman is distraught because she fears her husband is having an affair, so she goes to a gun shop and buys a handgun. The next day she comes home to find her husband in bed with a beautiful redhead. She grabs the gun and holds it to her own head. The husband jumps out of bed, begging and pleading with her not to shoot herself. Hysterically the blonde responds to the husband, "shut up... You're next!"
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A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds. "When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The blonde nods. "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" "No, from skipping."
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A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it. One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, "There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it's not legal." "That doesn't matter," replied the blonde, "if I only can sell the car." "Okay," said the brunette. "Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore." The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, "Did you sell your car?" "No," replied the blonde, "why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it."
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So there's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. "Yoohoo" she shouts, "how can I get to the other side?" The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
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On a plane bound for New York, the flight attendant approached a blonde sitting in the first class section and requested that she move to coach since she did not have a first class ticket. The blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and I'm not moving." Not wanting to argue with a customer, the flight attendant asked the co-pilot to speak with her. He went to talk with the woman asking her to please move out of the first class section. Again, the blonde replied, "I'm blonde, I'm beautiful, I'm going to New York, and
I'm not moving." The co-pilot returned to the cockpit and asked the captain what he should do. The captain said, "I'm married to a blonde, and I know how to handle this." He went to the first class section and whispered in the blonde's ear. She immediately jumped up and ran to the coach section mumbling to herself, "Why didn't anyone just say so?" Surprised, the flight attendant and the co-pilot asked what he said to her that finally convinced her to move from her seat. He said, "I told her the first class section wasn't going to New York."
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Two blondes were walking through the woods and came upon a set of tracks. One blonde said that they were deer tracks. The other blonde said that they were moose tracks. They were still arguing when the train hit 'em.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted, "Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!" The shopkeeper said, "By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!"

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator. Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home, when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out, "Darn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!"

What do you call a skeleton with blonde hair in a closet?
The 1963 hide and go seek champ!
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What do you call an eternity?
Four Blondes at a four way stop.
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Why do Blondes have "TGIF" written on their shoes?
Toes Go In First.
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Three Blondes were driving to Disneyland. After being in the car for 4 hours they finally saw a sign that said, "Disneyland left" so they turned around and went home.
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What do smart Blondes and UFOs have in common?
You always hear about them but you never see them
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What did the Blonde say when she opened the box of Cheerios?
Oh look ... doughnut seeds.
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How did the Blonde die ice fishing?
She got run over by the Zamboni.
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Why did the Blonde stare at a can of frozen orange juice?
Because it said concentrate.
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Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms?
They think their picture is being taken.
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Why can't Blondes dial 911?
They can't find the eleven on the phone!
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How do you get a Blonde on the roof?
Tell her the drinks are on the house.
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Why shouldn't Blondes have coffee breaks?
It takes too long to retrain them.
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A Blonde and a brunette were walking outside when the brunette said "Oh,
look at the dead bird." The Blonde looked skyward and said "Where, where?"
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A brunette Is standing on some train tracks, jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" 21".
A Blonde walks up, sees her and decides to join her. She also starts jumping from rail to rail, saying "21" "21" "21".
Suddenly, the brunette hears a train whistle and she jumps off the tracks just as the Blonde is splattered all over the place.
The brunette goes back to jumping from rail to rail, counting, "22" "22"
"22".
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How do you drown a Blonde?
Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool
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Why does it take longer to build a Blonde snowman as opposed to a regular one?
You have to hollow out the head.
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How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
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Did you hear about the two Blondes that were found frozen to death in
their car at a drive-in movie theater?
They went to see "Closed for the Winter"
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How do you get a twinkle in a Blonde's eye?
Shine a flashlight in her ear.
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Why don't Blondes like making KOOL-AID?
Because they can't fit 8 cups of water in the little packet.
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Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing out the "W's"

Three blondes died in a car crash trying to jump the Grand Canyon and are at the pearly gates of heaven. St Peter tells them that they can enter the gates only if they can answer one simple religious question.

The question posed by St. Peter is "What is Easter"?

The first blonde replies, "Oh, that's easy! It's the holiday in November when everyone gets together, eats turkey and are thankful..."

"Wrong!, you are not welcome here, I'm afraid. You must go to the other place!" replies St. Peter. He turns to the second blond, and asks her the same question: "What is Easter?"

The second blonde replies, "Easter is the holiday in December when we put up a nice tree, exchange presents, and celebrate the birth of Jesus."

St Peter looks at the second blonde, bangs his head on the on the pearly gates in disgust and tells her she's wrong and will have to join her friend in the other place. She is not welcome in Heaven. He then peers over his glasses at the third blonde and asks, "Do YOU know what Easter is"?

The third blonde smiles confidently and looks St Peter in the eyes, "I know what Easter is."

"Oh?" says St Peter, incredulously.

"Easter is the Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish celebration of Passover. Jesus and his disciples were eating at the last supper and Jesus was later deceived and turned over to the Romans by one of his disciples. The Romans took him to be crucified and he was stabbed in the side, made to wear a crown of thorns, and was hung on a cross with nails through his hands and feet. He was buried in a nearby cave which was sealed off by a large boulder."

St Peter smiled broadly with delight.

The third blonde continued... "Every year the boulder is moved aside so that Jesus can come out and, if he sees his shadow, there will be six more weeks of winter."

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The Blonde and the Motor Home

A blonde goes to a restaurant, buys a coffee and sits down to drink it. She looks on the side of her cup and finds a peel-off prize. She pull off the tab and yells, "I WON! I WON! I WON a motor home; I WON a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and says, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a mini van!"

The blonde replies, "No. I WON A motor home, I WON a motor home!" By this time the manager makes his way over to the table and says, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as a prize!"

Again the blonde says, "No, no mistake, I WON a motor home, I WON a motor home!"
The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

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"Blonde Carpenters
Two blonde builders were working on a house. One blonde was on a ladder nailing. She'd reach into her nail pouch, pull out a nail, look at it, and either toss it over her shoulder or
proceed to nail it into the wood.

The other blonde couldn't stand it any longer and yelled up, "Why are you throwing some of the nails away?"

The first blonde explained, "When I pull it out of my nail pouch, if it's pointed toward me I throw it away. If it's pointed toward the house, then I can use it!"

The second blonde explained, "Don't throw away those nails that are pointed toward you! They're for the other side of the house!!"

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A guy took a blonde out on a date. Eventually they ended up parked at a "lovers point" where they started making out. After things started getting pretty good, he thought he might get lucky, so he asked her "Do you want to go in the back seat?"

"NO!" she answered.

Okay, he thought, maybe she's not ready yet. Now he has her shirt and skirt off, the windows are steamed, and things are getting really hot, so he asks again, "Do you want to go in the back seat?"
"NO!" she answers again.

Now he has her bra off, they're both very sweaty, and she even
has his pants unzipped. Okay, he thinks, she HAS to want it now.
"Do you want to go in the back seat NOW?" he asks again.

"NO!" she answers yet again.

Frustrated, he demands "Well, why not!"

"Because I want to stay up here with you!"
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A young woman said to her doctor, 'You have to help me, I hurt all over.'
'What do you mean?' said the doctor.
The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, 'Ow, that hurts.'
Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled,
'Ouch! That hurts, too.'
Then she touched her right earlobe. 'Ow, even THAT hurts.'
The doctor asked the woman, 'Are you a natural blonde?'
'Why yes,' she said.
'I thought so,' said the doctor. 'You have a sprained finger.'

The blonde reported for her University final examination which consists of "yes/no" type questions. She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet - Yes for Heads and No for Tails. Within half an hour she is all done whereas the rest of the class is sweating it out. During the last few minutes, she is seen desperately throwing the coin, swearing and sweating. The moderator, alarmed, approaches her and asks what is going on. "I finished the exam in half and hour. But I'm rechecking my answers."

A Very Puzzled Blonde
John gets a call from his very blonde girlfriend Buffy.
"I've got a problem," says Buffy.
"What's the matter?" asks John.
"Well, I bought this jigsaw puzzle, but it's too hard. None of the pieces fit together and I can't find any edges."
"What's the picture of?" asks John.
"It's of a big rooster," replies Buffy.
"All right," says John. "I'll come over and have a look."
So he goes over to Buffy's house and she greets him by saying, "Thanks for coming over." Buffy leads John into her kitchen and shows him the jigsaw puzzle on the kitchen table. John looks at the puzzle and then turns to her and says, "For heaven's sake, Buffy, put the cornflakes back in the box."

The Painter!
A woman wants the inside of her house painted and she calls a contractor in to help her. They wander around the house, and she points out the colors she wants. She says, "Now, in the living room, I'd like to have a neutral beige, very soft and warm."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out and yells, "Green side up!"

The woman is most perplexed but she lets it slide. They wander into the next room. She says, "In the dining room I'd like a light white, not stark, but very bright and airy." The contractor nods, pulls out
his pad of paper and writes on it. Then he goes to the window, leans out, and yells "Green side up"! The woman is even more perplexed but still lets it slide. They wander further into the next room. She
says, "In the bedroom, I'd like blue. Restful, peaceful, cool blue."

The contractor nods, pulls out his pad of paper and writes on it. Then once more he goes to the window, leans out and yells "Green side up"! This is too much. The woman has to ask. So she says, "Every time I tell you a color, you write it down, but then you yell out the window 'Green side up.' What on earth does that mean?"

The contractor shakes his head and says, "I have four blondes laying sod across the street."

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BLOND AND PREGNANT
Three pregnant woman are sitting around the table at lunch (a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead, of course).
The redhead says, 'I know I am going to have a boy.'
The blonde asks, 'How do you know that?'
To which the redhead responds, 'I was on top.'
Then the brunette says, 'Well, I know I am going to have a girl.'
The blonde asks again, 'How do you know that?'
To which the brunette replies 'I was on the bottom.'
The blonde then starts bawling, crying and wailing.
The redhead and brunette look at each other and shrug, then ask the blonde why she is crying.
She replies 'I'm going to have puppies!'
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A certain young man finally won a date with the blonde female of somewhat questionable morals that lived in his apartment complex. To prepare for his big date, the young man went up on to the roof of his apartment building in order to tan himself. Not wanting any tan lines to show, he sunbathed in the
nude. Unfortunately, the young man fell asleep while on the roof, and managed to get a sunburn on his 'tool of the trade'. But the young man was determined not to miss his date, so he put some lotion on his manhood and wrapped it in gauze.

The blonde showed up for the date at his apartment, and the young man treated her to a home cooked dinner, after which they went into the living room to watch a movie. During the movie, however, the young man's sunburn started acting up again. He asked to be excused, went into the kitchen, and poured a tall, cool glass of milk.

He then placed his sunburned member in the milk and experienced immediate relief of his pain. The blonde, however, wondering what he was doing, wandered into the kitchen to see him with his Johnson immersed in a glass of milk. Upon seeing this, the blonde exclaimed, 'So that's how you guys load those things!'
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A blonde was complaining to her friend about constantly being called a dumb blonde. Her friend tells her 'go do something to prove them wrong! Why don't you learn all the state capitals or something?' The blonde thinks this is a great idea, and locks herself up for two weeks studying. The next party she goes to, some guy is making dumb blonde comments to her. She gets all indignant and claims, 'I'm NOT a dumb blonde. In fact, I can name ALL the state capitals! 'The guy doesn't believe her, so she dares him to test her. He says 'Okay, what's the Capital of Montana?' The blonde tosses her hair
in triumph and says, 'That's easy! It's M!'

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A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said 'DISNEYLAND LEFT'. After thinking for a minute, she said to herself 'oh well !' and turned around an drove home.
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On her way home the same blonde drove past another sign that said: 'CLEAN RESTROOMS 8 MILES'.
By the time she drove eight miles, she had cleaned 43 restrooms.
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Three blondes are attempting to change a light bulb. One of them decides to call 911:
Blonde: We need help. We're three blondes changing a light bulb.
Operator: Hmmmmm. You put in a fresh bulb?
Blonde: Yes.
Operator: The power in the house in on?
Blonde: Of course.
Operator: And the switch is on?
Blonde: Yes, yes.
Operator: And the bulb still won't light up?
Blonde: No, it's working fine.
Operator: Then what's the problem?
Blonde: We got dizzy spinning the ladder around and we all fell and hurt
ourselves.
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What about the blond guy whose wife gave birth to twins?
He wanted to know who the other man was...
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There were three people stranded on an island, a brunette, a redhead, and a blonde. The brunette looked over the water to the mainland and estimated about 20 miles to shore. So she announced, 'I'm going to try to swim to shore.' So she swam out five miles, and got really tired. She swam out ten miles from the island, and she was too tired to go on, so she drowned.

The second one, the redhead, said to herself, 'I wonder if she made it. Guess it's better to try to get to the mainland than stay here and starve.' So she attempts to swim out. The redhead had a lot more endurance than the brunette, as she swam out 10 miles before she even got tired. After 15 miles, she was too tired to go on, so she drowned. So the blonde thought to herself, 'I wonder if they made it! I think I'd better try to make it, too.' So she swam out 5 miles, ten miles, 15 miles, 19 miles from the island. The shore was just in sight, but she said, 'I'm too tired to go on!' So she swam back.

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