New Jersey

Joisey and Philly Jokes

New Jersey:

You know you're from Jersey when......
You refer to the beach as the shore.
You know what a Wawa is, and you know the location of at least 5 of them.
You don't understand why there aren't more 24-hour diners elsewhere in the country.
You can name all the flavors of salt water taffy.
You've run out of money on the Parkway.
You still haven't seen that many gardens.
You still can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.
There are no self-serve gas stations.
You know what a "jug handle" is.
You only go to the "City" for day trips.
Route 18 doesn't freak you out at night.
You know the Statue of Liberty is in NJ.
You don't take any shit from anybody especially people from New York and Philly, because you live here and just who the hell do they think they are anyway? Invading our beaches and bars, they are just here for the damn summer and they think they own the place.
At least three people in your family still listen to Bruce The "Boss" Springsteen and actually seen him play with the E-Street band in the Stone Pony down in Asbury.
You know Paramus has 4 major malls within 3 miles of each other.
You have mandatory recycling enforced by law.
You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't suck."
You have nearly been run over by a TramCar in Wildwood.
You have a grandparent who didn't move to Florida and retired in Cape May, Ocean Grove, Brick, or Toms River.
Donald Trump is mentioned daily in your local newspaper.
Your school actually made good Italian subs.
The Jets/Giants game has started fights in your family.
You have been waiting the last 10 years for the Yankees to move to the Meadowlands.
You own an annual pass to Great Adventure and you had to take the monkey by-pass at the Safari cause your dad had padded-vinyl roof on his car.
You say "water" weird.
Your car is covered in yellow-green dust in April.
You know that ACME is a supermarket, not just a Warner Bros creation.
Because your town was founded before 1776, all restaurants, bars and shops have 'ye', 'olde', or colonial in their names.
You know the myth of the New Jersey devil and you think it lives as Gov. Christie Todd Whitman.(Whitman IS the devil.)
You think the Olive Garden is crap and should never have opened in NJ.
You remember when Hoboken was a ghetto not overpriced.
There is a fruit and veggie stand down the road.
You like vinegar or gravy on your french fries.
You think a mountain is that big freakin' hill in Atlantic Highlands.
You know Asbury Park is no longer the Mecca of East Coast resort towns.
Even though there's a new Wal-Mart in your town, you still go to the Englishtown Auction for cheap stuff.
You buy Shop-Rite brand food at Shop-Rite.
You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle
You know what skeeball is and you can get three 50's in a row.
You're Italian.
You know where to get the best bagel.
You've lived through hurricanes, nor'Easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado, earthquake, tsunami or volcano.
You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.
You go to at least one parade at the boardwalk each year.
You can go bowling at 1:30 A.M. (with automatic scoring)!
In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.
You don't have to go to red lobster to get fresh seafood.
You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"
You've waited for the damn drawbridge for more than 20 damn minutes.
"Anyone who makes bad pizza can go to hell" is your attitude.
You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.
You've gone to the racetrack with twenty different daily double bets from twenty different people
You know that there are bakeries, which are not part of a supermarket, but actual individual stores.
You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.
One time, a sea gull shit on your head.
You've eaten at a Windmill, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.
You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.
You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"
You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit!
When people ask you where you live, you tell them your Parkway/Turnpike exit number.
You watched "Mall rats" and said, "I've been to that mall!"
At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.
Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.
You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.
You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.

Driving

Our current motor vehicle code is obsolete. I propose the following ten changes to the DMV manual in order to conform with everyone's current driving habits:

1) The speed limit signs will now solely indicate the minimum IQ required for drivers. (This might also help eliminate traffic congestion.)

2) A continuous red light will still mean stop, but with the following addendum: If your chances are at least 50-50 that you can make it through the intersection without inflicting major damage, you can go for it. ("Major" damage will be defined in a series of future court decisions.)

3) The bigger vehicle always has the right of way.

4) A yellow light is always the signal to floor it.

5) School-zone rules apply only if children are unable to leap from your path.

6) Driving with one hand is now recommended, since the other hand can remain free for obscene gestures, talking on the phone and balancing the checkbook.

7) Freeway driving in heavy rains: Make quick and continuous lane changes to avoid the rain drops.

8) Stop signs are no longer in force and merely indicate curbs.

9) The rear view mirror is no longer required. Instead, it will be included by most car manufacturers as part of the "grooming system" package.

10) Common sense will be stricken from the records.

Philly

Top 22 Signs That Show You Are from Philadelphia (pronounced "Philly")

22. You Hate Dallas

21. You realize that your favorite dessert is "wooder ice" (it comes in churry, strawburry and other assawrded flaverz).

20. You find yourself using "Yo" and "youse guys" when talking long-distance to your family members.

19. You know how to spell Schuylkill.

18. You pronounce ACME as "ACK - A - ME.

17. You think $2,500 a year for insurance on a 1977 Toyota Corolla is a bargain.

16. You find yourself at a nice restaurant thinking, "I wonder if they have cheese steaks?"

15. You can sleep soundly through gunfire and ambulance sirens.

14. You visit New York City and are impressed by how clean it is.

13. You believe the car on your left, with turn signal flashing and the driver pointing at your lane, wants you to close the gap with the car in front of you.

12. You can't eat french fries without Cheez Whiz.

11. Street people greet you by your first name.

10. You don't think Wawa sounds funny.

9. You snub a cheese steak that isn't on an Amoroso roll.

8. Your parents, brothers, sisters, aunts and uncles all live on the same block.

7. You know who Jim O'Brien is and how he died.

6. You can't imagine breakfast without scrapple.

5. You're still not sure about Jerry Penacolli.

4. A vacation down the Jersey shore (pronounced "shoore") is better than going to an island (there's more stuff to do, plus you know everybody).

3. You know where to find the Rocky statue.

2. You know only tourists go to Geno's, Pat's and Jim' for authentic cheese steaks. You go only if you're drunk and it's 3:00 a.m.

AND THE NUMBER ONE SIGN YOU KNOW YOU'RE FROM PHILLY

1. You buy a soft pretzel at a traffic light without wondering where the guy goes to wash his hands and you don't even care!

Page last edited April 30, 2000