You Cant Get There From Here

You Can't (Cah'nt) Get There (The-AH)

From Here (He-ah)

My (former) Life In New England

Waddaya wanna go Home for?

Get a life

A Canadian, A Texan And A Guy From Maine
A Texan, a Canadian, and a guy from Maine are out riding horses. The Texan pulls out an expensive bottle of whiskey, takes a shot, then another, and suddenly throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots the bottle in mid air.
The Canadian looks at him and says, "What are you doing?! That was a perfectly good bottle of whiskey!"
The Texan says, "In Texas, there's plenty of whiskey and bottles are cheap."
A while later, not wanting to be outdone, the Canadian pulls out a bottle of champagne, takes a few sips, throws the bottle in the air, pulls out his gun and shoots it.
The guy from Maine can't believe this and says, "What did you do that for? That was an expensive bottle of champagne!"
The Canadian says "In Canada there's plenty of champagne and bottles are cheap."
So a while later the guy from Maine pulls out a bottle of beer. He opens it, takes a sip, takes another sip, and then chugs the rest. He then puts the bottle back in his saddlebag, pulls out his gun, turns around and shoots the Canadian.
The Texan, shocked, says, "Why did you do that!"
The guy from Maine says, "Well, in Maine, we have plenty of Canadians, but bottles are worth a nickel."

Yankonics, Maine's second language

PORTLAND, MAINE
Mon., December 30, 1996

In a move that has surprised educators nationwide, the Portland Board of Education announced today that, beginning January 1, all Portland schools would provide teacher and parent training in Yankee English, or so-called Yankonics, recognize Yankonics as distinct from standard English, and help Yankee children who use Yankonics to master standard English.

In its resolution, the Portland school board described Yankee English as a distinct language, rather than a dialect of standard English.

The district said it would not teach Yankonics, derived from the words Yankee and phonics, in place of standard English, and would not try to classify Yankonics-speaking students as bilingual in order to obtain federal funds.

Both the Clinton Administration and congressional Republicans moved quickly to attack the announcement, with the Administration emphasizing that it would refuse to grant special funding.

In Augusta, Gov. Angus King (Ind.) defended the resolution. "They're not trying to teach Yankee English as a standard language. They're looking for tools to teach children standard English so they might be competitive," King told reporters.

An estimated 53 percent of Portland's 13,000 students speak Yankee English at home, and district officials say they have the lowest average grade point averages in the district.

Reaction in the city was guarded but supportive. Lobsterman John Nadeau, 43, of Fore St., said, "Every yeah it gets hahda and hahda for ouah kids to get the jawbs they need. I cahn't say if this will wohk oah nawt, but at least its a staht."

The lunch crowd at Demillo's echoed Nadeau's position. Mary Lamoreaux, 54, of Falmouth Foreside, concurred. "I've got two daughtahs, neithah of whom cahn undahstahnd hahlf the things they heah on TV. Sompthin needs to be done."

Patrick Payson, 35, a developer at One City Center, admitted that he's found his linguistic heritage a difficult cross to bear at times. "I went down New Yahk a few weeks ago foah some meetins. It took me close to two days figuah out what people weah tahlking about. Rest assuahed, I was wicked confused
when I gawt bahck."

Some, however, were not convinced. Arthur Wentworth, 87, a scrimshaw artist in the Old Port said, "Deah Gawd. Yeahs ago no one cahed so much about this soht of thing, we just went on about ouah business. I don't see much use in this. If people from away cahn't understahnd what weah saying, then they just ought head back to Massasstwoshits, oah wheyevah they came frawm."

Asked if he'd lived in Portland all his life, Wentworth replied, "Not yet."

DIARY OF A SNOW SHOVELER

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of the season and the wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses Print. So romantic we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment .My neighbor tells me not to worry, we'll definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much snow by the end of winter, that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! 8" last night. The temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4x4 Blazer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and 2 extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. Electricity was off for 5 hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've bought a wood stove, but won't admit it to her. God I hate it when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but had another 14" of the damn stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13 more inches of the white shit fell today, and it's so cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to piss. By the time I got undressed, pissed and dressed again. I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his truck for the rest of the winter; but he says he's too busy. I think the asshole is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0. The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this morning. What is she...nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to do that a month ago? She says she did but I think she's damn well lying.

December 24: 6". Snow packed so hard by snowplow, l broke the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the son of a bitch who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him through the snow by his balls. I know he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the !=3D@x@!x!x1 slop tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood boil. God I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here? It was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -50. Still snowed in. THE BITCH is driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could cave-in. That's the silliest thing I ever heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother . 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?

You might be from Boston if.............

1. You think of Philadelphia as the midwest.
2. You think it's your God-given right to cut someone off in traffic.
3. You think there are only 25 letters in the alphabet (no R's).
4. You think three straight days of 90+ temperatures is a heat wave.
5. All your pets are named after Celtics or Bruins.
6. You refer to 6 inches of snow as a "dusting."
7. Just hearing the words "New York" puts you in an angry mood.
8. You don't think you have an attitude.
9. You always 'bang a left' as soon as the light turns green, and oncoming traffic always expects it.
10. Everything in town is "a five minute walk."
11. When out of town, you think the natives of the area are all whacked.
12. You still can't bear to watch highlights from game 6 of the 1986 World Series.
13. You have no idea what the word compromise means.
14. You believe using your turn signal is a sign of weakness.
15. You don't realize that you walk and talk twice as fast as everyone else.
16. You're anal, neurotic, pessimistic & stubborn.
17. You think if someone is nice to you, they must want something, or are from out of town.
18. Your favorite adjective is "wicked."
19. You think 63 degree ocean water is warm.
20. You think the Kennedy's are misunderstood.

If you're from Boston:
1. You'll know who the cahdnal is, how to take the T to JP and what the blinking red light atop the old Hancock Building means in the summer (in winter it means snow is due).
2. If you're smaht, you'll never get cahded at the packie (liquor,or packagestore).
3. You only eat italian sausage outside Fenway Pahk before a Sox game with mustid, peppahs-n-onions.

When we say / We mean....
bizah = odd
flahwiz = roses, etc.
hahpahst = 30 minutes after the hour
Hahwahya? = How are you?
khakis = what we staht the cah with
pissah = superb
retahded = silly
shoowah = of course
wikkid = extremely
yiz - you, plural
pupcahn - popular snack

How we'll know you weren't bon heah:
You wear a Harvard sweatshirt.
You cross at a crosswalk.
You ask directions to "Cheers."
You order a grinder and a soda.
You follow soccer.
You eat at Durgin Park.
You pronounce it "Worchester" or
"Glouchester".
You call it "COPEly" Square.

Getting around:
Boston is a mishmosh of 17th-century cow paths and 19th-century landfill penned in by water. You know, "One if by land, two if by sea."

Which Warren Street do you want?
We have three Warren Avenues, three Warren Squares, a Warren Park, and a Warren Place. Pay no attention to the street names.

There's no school on School Street, no court on Court Street, no dock on Dock Square, no water on Water Street. Back Bay streets are in alphabetical odda. Arlington, Berkeley, Clarendon, Dartmouth. So are South Boston streets: A, B, C, D.

If the streets are named after trees (Walnut, Chestnut, Cedar), you're on Beacon Hill. If they're named after poets, you're in Wellesley.

All avenues are properly referenced by their nicknames: Comm Ave, Mass Ave, Dot Ave.
Dot is Dorchester, Rozzie is Roslindale, JP is Jamaica Plain.
Readville doesn't exist.

The North-East-South-West thing:
Southie is South Boston. The South End is the South End. Eastie is East Boston. The North End is east of the West End. The West End and Scollay Square are no more - a guy named Rappaport got rid of them one night.

Definitions:
Boston cream pie is a cake.
Frappes have ice cream; milk shakes don't.
Chowdah does not contain tomatoes.
If it's fizzy and flavored, it's tonic. Soda is
club soda. Pop is Dad.
When we mean tonic WATER, we say tonic WATER.
The smallest beer is a pint.
Scrod is whatever they tell you it is, usually fish.
If you paid more than $6 a pound, you got scrod.
It's not a water fountain, it's a bubblah.
It's not a trash can, it's a barrel.
It's not a shopping cart, it's a carriage.
It's not a purse, it's a pockabook.
Brown bread comes in a can. You open both ends, push it out, heat it and eat it with baked beans.
They're not franks, they're haht dahgs. Franks are money in France.

Things not to do:
Don't call it Beantown.
Don't pahk your cah in Hahvid Yahd. They'll tow it to Meffa (Medford) or Slumaville (Sommerville).
Don't swim in the Charles, no matter what Bill Weld tells you.
Don't sleep in the Common.
Don't wear orange in Southie on St. Patrick's Day (you may be killed).
Don't call the mayah "Mumbles." He hates that, and will tell you not to be an 'alcatraz around his neck'.

Things you should know:
There are two State Houses, two City Halls, two courthouses, two Hancock buildings (one old, one new). There's also a Boston Latin School and a Boston Latin Academy. Both are referred to as Boston Latin. How should we know which one you mean?
Route 128 is also I-95. It is also I-93.
It's the Sox, the Pats (or Patsies if they're losing), the Seltz, the Broons.
The Harvard Bridge doesn't go to Harvard. It goes to MIT. It's measured in 'smoots', which is the length of a certain Computer Science student at MIT. The underground train is not a subway. It's the T, and it doesn't run all night (fah chrysakes, this ain't Noo Yawk).

Mass. Driving Rules (or why Mass drivers are called Massholes!)

** A right lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people you can cut in front of in line by passing on the right. You lose face if you hit any of the orange construction barrels.

** Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Massachusetts driver never uses them. Use of them in Boston is thought to be illegal.

** Under no circumstances should you leave any distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, causing you to lose points.

** Crossing two or more lanes in a single lane-change is considered "going with the flow."

** The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

** Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. Massachusetts is a no-fault insurance state and the other driver has nothing to lose.

** Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

** Construction signs warn you about road closures immediately after you pass the last exit before the traffic jam.

** The new electronic traffic warning system signs are not there to provide useful information. They are only there to make Massachusetts look high-tech and to distract you from seeing the State Police Radar car parked on the median.

** Never pass on the left when you can pass on the right.

** Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as suggestions and are apparently do not apply during rush hour. (Deb's note: nor during a snow storm!)

** Just because you're in the left lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a true Mass. driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

** When driving out of state, please remember that New Hampshire is the Granite State, named so for a reason. Try to stay on the road.

** Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even if someone is just changing a tire.

** Throwing litter on the roads adds variety to the landscape andgives Adopt-a-Highway crews something to clean up.

** State Police cars or ambulances passing at high speed may be followed in the event you need make up a few minutes in your travel time.

** Learn to swerve abruptly. Massachusetts is the home of high-speed slalom driving thanks to DOT (Department of Transportation), which places potholes in various locations to test drivers' reflexes.

** It is traditional in Massachusetts to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light changes. (Deb's note: actually, that's a NY thing...in MA they look at you like "what?")

** Making eye contact with another driver revokes your right of way, except in Boston, where it acts as an invitation to duel or play chicken.

** Never take a green light at face value. Always look right and left before proceeding. In Maine you are allowed to stop and then decide which direction to turn.

** Remember that the goal of every Massachusetts driver is to get there first, by whatever means necessary.

** Real Massachusetts female drivers can put on pantyhose, apply eye makeup and balance the checkbook at seventy-five miles per hour during a snowstorm in bumper-to-bumper traffic.

** Heavy snow, ice, fog, and rain are no reasons to change any of the previously listed rules. These weather conditions are nature's way of ensuring the economic survival of body shops, junkyards, and new vehicle dealers.

Maine Computer technology:

1. Log on - Make the wood stove hotter
2. Log off - Don't add no more wood
3. Monitor - Keep an eye on that wood stove
4. Download - Getting the firewood off the truck
5. Floppy disk - What you get from trying to carry too much firewood
6. Ram - The thing that splits the firewood
7. Hard Drive - Getting home in the winter
8. Prompt - What the mail ain't in the winter
9. Window - What to shut when it's cold outside
10. Screen - What to shut in black fly season
11. Byte - What the black flies do
12. Bit - What the black flies did
13. Mega Byte - What the BIG black flies do during trout season
14. Chip - Munchies for TV
15. Micro Chip - What's left in the bag after you eat the chips
16. Modem - What you did to the weeds growing in the driveway
17. Dot matrix - Old Dan Matrix's wife
18. Lap top - Where the beer spills when you pass out
19. Software - The dumb plastic knives and forks they give you at McDonalds
20. Hardware - Real stainless steel cutlery
21. Mouse - What makes the holes in the Cheerios box
22. Main frame - What holds the house up, hopefully
23. Enter - The only way to win those magazine ad sweepstakes
24. Web - What a spider makes
25. Web site - High corners of the ceiling
26. Cursor - Someone who swears
27. Search Engine - What you do when the car dies
28. Screen Saver - repair kit for the torn window screen
29. Home Page - map you keep in your back pocket just in case you get lost in the woods
30. Upgrade - Steep hill
31. Server - waitress
32. Mail Server - male waitress, damn few in Maine
33. MS DOS - Some new disease they discovered
34. Sound Card - One of them technological birthday cards that plays music when you open it
35. User - The neighbor who keeps borrowing stuff
36. Browser - A problem moose in the Garden or Blueberry Patch
37. Network - Mending holes in the gillnet
38. Internet - Complicated fish net repair method
39. Netscape - What haddock do when you don't do your network
40. Online - good sign there'll be clean clothes this week
41. Off line - the clothes pins let go and the laundry falls on the ground--better luck next week

This page last edited April 30, 2000